Udita
May-It is the fifth month of the year. 13th May’2018 is Mother’s Day, which means we are celebrating mothers all through this month. So let us move one step ahead in this and also look at the different kinds of families these mommies are living into.
To me, a family means love, care and a strong emotional bond which each family member shares with one another. A family is, in fact, the building block to the many relationships a human developed later on in life. These relationships need not only be of a lover but also professional relationships, friendships and many more.
Families across the world function in entirely different and unique ways. While people in South East Asia still prefer to stay with their parents till they are 25 or until the time they get married. Their counterpart in European and American nations prefer to move out as soon as they touch the adolescent stage in their lives.
We all know what are the different categories of families mainly exist in Indian households. That is one reason we decided to take a different route this time. Since we all know the in and out of what are the different kinds, let us get into a small chit-chat session with moms who have this kind of set up.
NUCLEAR FAMILY SET-UPS
Of what I perceive, the biggest benefit of living in a nuclear set up is the freedom which comes along with it. Most of the mommies confessed that they don’t even felt as though they got married. It looks more like living with a friend! Sounds fun.
There are all kinds of theories around nuclear family set up and the ongoing rise in the number of such families. We got some mommies on board to give insights into their lives as to how they are managing everything by their one’s own self. We got into an interactive session with two moms and this is what they had to tell about handling things by themselves! Mighty ladies -aah.
We first got in touch with Shubhreet Kaur – an ex-media person who is now an active blogger. Shubhreet lives in a nuclear family set up with her husband and daughter Karma. This is what she had to say :
My Life My Kids: Are you living in a nuclear set up willingly?
Shubhreet : Yes. I grew up in a nuclear set up as well. My husband and I both prefer a nuclear setup. We anyhow also move and shift locations due to his job a lot. So it wasn’t a matter of choice either. But given a choice, we would choose to stay as a nuclear family.
My Life My Kids: What are the advantage of living in a nuclear set up as per your personal experience?
Shubhreet: I feel it reduces clashes in a family. I have a really good relationship with my in-laws and I feel, maybe, it wouldn’t have been the case had we been staying at a joint family. It’s not a matter of people being nice or not nice. I have amazingly open minded and chilled out in-laws. But too many people under one roof will result in a difference of opinion always.
My Life My Kids: Do you feel there are any disadvantages of the same or something your child is missing?
Shubhreet: Quite the opposite. My daughter is very close to both sets of grandparents. I am very comfortable leaving her with them for a few days and traveling. I feel that is because we have a great balance going. Since we have managed her on our own from the start, the grandparents respect our decisions when it comes to her. At the same time, when they visit us or we visit them, we understand that this is a bonding time for them and her and we also lay off all rules and let them manage her the way they want. I feel this balance is difficult to strike in a joint family set up.
Next in the series is Pradnya who is based out of Pune and is the mom to 20-month old Veetrag.Pradnya believes and follows the mantra ‘Live Each Day As It Comes’. She says that it helps her in keeping sane and calm while raising a hyperactive toddler!
My Life My Kids: Are you living in a nuclear set up willingly?
Pradnya: Yes,my in-laws on & off stay with us. As they are now more comfortable living near their friends & relatives
My Life My Kids: What are the advantage of living in a nuclear set up as per your personal experience?
Pradnya: I can manage my home the way I want. There is no need to constantly please anyone. Especially I get to cook food that I like irrespective of day & time.
My Life My Kids: Do you feel there are any disadvantages of the same or something your child is missing?
Pradnya: Yes, sometimes when I take my kid for playing in society garden, I see many grand-parents spending time with the grand-children.
My Life My Kids: Do you sometimes feel you have no one to guide you on this journey of parenting? Anything you miss?
Pradnya: No I don’t miss anything. As every kid is diff & so is every parenting style & technique. And in the flow, if I feel anything that needs advice,both my parents & parents-in-law are just a phone call away.
JOINT FAMILY SET-UPS
The biggest advantage of joint families as candidly confessed by the moms to whom we spoke is the fact they didn’t have any trouble when they joined back after their maternity leaves. That really is the best experience a working mother can have! Isn’t it? Let’s get in a chit-chat mode.
First mom is Soumya who is based out of Gurgaon and is a full-time working mom to 3-year-old Sarah. Soumya has been living in a joint-set up since the time she got married.
My Life My Kids: Are you living willingly in a joint family set up?
Soumya : No, initially I wanted to live in a nuclear setup and have my own freedom, after years of living with parents and not moving out anywhere. But my brother in law stays in the same city and it made sense to stay together.Also my in-laws used to visit us often initially since they felt lonely.
My Life My Kids: What are the advantages of living in this set up of what you have seen over the years yourself?
Soumya: It took some time for me to accept and adjust with the fact that they are my family too and it’s best we stay together, emotionally and financially. Over years, and especially after having a kid, I’ve realized what a boon joint family is. They are our backbone, our first family, and friends, and will support us anyway through thick and thin.
Family is like music, some high notes, some low notes, but always a beautiful song.
My Life My Kids: Do you see any disadvantages or can re-certain situations where you weren’t allowed to follow your style of parenting while raising your child?
Soumya: Not disadvantages, but hurdles. There have been many instances where our parenting styles don’t match, but they have been very adjusting and progressive towards us.The most difficult part was not feeding junk food my daughter, and giving her limited screen time. But after 3 years, we have finally found a middle ground.
My Life My Kids: How do you think it’s really helping you in raising your little one in a joint set up? Talk about some of the child’s emotions.
Soumya: While my in-laws are away, my daughter refuses to talk to them on phone. It is because she misses them and hates the fact they’re away and she’s alone at home during the day with me. My mother in law is coming back today and my daughter is the one waiting most eagerly for her.
Next, we spoke to Kriti, who is also a full time working mom. Her son is now 15 months old and she says she can work without any hitch at her workplace, all thanks to her amazing mother in law.
My Life My Kids: Are you living willingly in a joint family set up?
Kriti: Yes.
My Life My Kids: What are the advantages of living in this set up of what you have seen over the years yourself?
Kriti: The biggest advantage is, there are grandparents whom we can trust and leave our kids with while being away for work. A child learns many behavioral and moral values which perhaps creche or daycares would miss to impart.child learns to respect every age group and sharing. Like my one year old won’t eat his mango unless he offers it to all members present there.
My Life My Kids: Do you see any disadvantages or can re certain situations where you weren’t allowed to follow your style of parenting while raising your child?
Kriti: I feel sometimes, overpampering makes a child, less-disciplined. I face problems in inculcating a routine in him sometimes. And yes not to miss the cookies which come calling at our home, every time my brother in law returns from home. ( trying hard to feed him healthy stuff).
My Life My Kids: How do you think it’s really helping you in raising your little one in a joint set up? Talk about some of the child’s emotions.
Kriti: As far as the baby is concerned, he has learned to express his love more and communicate it. He is only 15 months but there’s not a single instruction that he doesn’t understand or responds to. He has acquired a pleasant, social personality which is reflected when he meets people in our society. All credits goes to his grandmother .
SINGLE-PARENTING SET-UPS
Coming to what I call the strongest set of parents- The Single parents. Of course, it means double the duty, double the strength, but in the end its double the love!
We spoke to Natasha who is a single-parent and is based in Dubai. She works as a Finance and Controls Professional and swears by her parents when it comes to taking care of her son .
My Life My Kids: Being a full-time working mom how do you manage to take care of your little one and ensure he doesn’t miss out on his much-needed mommy time?
Natasha: Honestly it’s an everyday struggle. I’m never able to spend as much time as I wish I could with him but I have slots that are purely Hrishaan time. I leave from work on time to get home in time for a little play, dinner which we eat together, bath and then bedtime. Bedtime is where we have our cuddles, recap of both of our days, bedtime stories and lots of kisses. Friday mornings are Hrishaan-Mumma time i.e. we do something that no one else in the family joins in. It could be anything from getting the weekly groceries, baking a cake, visiting the park or just an indoor play area. Hrishaan waits as eagerly for Fridays as I do and that’s what keeps us both going through the week!
My Life My Kids: In a 2 parent family, if one parent is at their wit’s end, the other parent takes over. This is, obviously, not possible in your case. How do you manage to maintain your cool and yet deal with the situation at hand?
Natasha : Oh God that’s a tough one! Somedays I feel like I’m working on reserve and yet have to manage enough calm to deal with the terrible twos which is obviously not an easy task. I guess consistency in my response to his fits is what keeps things a little sane. I keep repeating ‘I cant understand what you are saying when you are whiny. Can you please ask nicely in your big boy voice’. Works sometimes and crisis is averted. Timeouts (for me!) work as well where I just step away for a few minutes when I feel I am about to lose my cool. I do consciously keep reminding myself that as much as I’d like him to behave like a grown-up he’s just 2 and needs my help to deal with his emotions!
You Always have to carry on.
And you can , because you have to – Kate Winslet on Single Parenting
My Life My Kids: Who or what is your biggest support system in the family?
Natasha : My parents handsdown! Hrishaan’s naani is my savior who takes care of him when I am at work. Hrishaan is a boisterous ball of energy who cannot sit still for a few minutes and needs constant change in activities to keep him engaged. Hrishaan’s grand parents are truly rockstars and he’s the apple of their eyes.
My Life My Kids: What do you do for leisure? How do you spend time with your little on given you are a working single parent?
Natasha :Personally with work, home and Hrishaan I barely get ‘leisure’ time but if I do ,reading is my go-to. I devour books with a passion and thankfully Hrishaan is turning out to be the same. We both love cuddling up during the weekend with our favourite books or even sitting in a café reading together with coffee and croissants to keep us company. Another thing that helps me relax is music . There are evenings when both of us boogie to the latest Punjabi numbers where I let off steam from a hard day at work and he just giggles and jumps around.
SITUATIONAL SINGLE PARENTING SET-UP
We are really not sure, if such a term even exists in the dictionary of Goole or not. while interviewing Natasha I chanced to came upon this sort of parenting when one of the women who messaged me on Insta said that she is solo-parenting. When I asked her all sorts of questions around solo-parenting, she came up with the reply of herself being a ‘Situational Solo-Parent’. This means partners whose better halves travel for work and stay away for the most part of the month or may be the year. A very good example of this is wives of men who serve in the armed forces of the country.
We spoke to Aakanksha, a full-time mom to a 4 yr old girl. She says she is solo parenting, still to decide, whether it is by choice, by chance or the easy way out, BY LUCK. She is full-time SC professional working with a leading FMCG company.
My Life My Kids: Do you feel your child is missing out while the dad is traveling
Aakanksha: A child surely does need both her parents to get a balanced upbringing. There are days when she does miss her dad being around and am sure does get bored of only being with one parent all the time. With dad coming back every weekend, she has surely started looking forward to those 2 days of the week. Also, I feel more than the child, the parent misses being around the child.
My Life My Kids: How do you manage everything solo?
Aakanksha: Gets a bit difficult, but yes when the going gets tough, the tough get going. I have a full-time 9-6 job and have no full-time family/maid support whatsoever here. I plan my day well in advance and the night’s work wonders for me, of course, the nights when I don’t doze off while making little one sleep. Weekends are another booster days when the week is planned and husband helps a lot in the same.
The love of a family is life’s greatest blessing.
My Life My Kids: What do you miss most when the daddy is away?
Aakanksha: I miss a PARTNER to just be around, and co-parent. It’s the emotional support that I miss the most.
My Life My Kids: How do you spend your time when your better half is at home with you and the child?
Aakanksha : We ensure the Dad spends most of his time undivided with the little one, which includes taking her down for a walk and some playing around, helping her with her homework, getting her ready after the bath, feeding her , watching tv with her, practically everything that she does, dad is a part of it and I ensure to be them for the meals at least and I run errands in the remaining time.
We hope, that you really enjoyed these real-life stories from moms of different backgrounds. Just like everything in life families also come with their own set of pros and cons.But these strong and beautiful women make the most of all situations which life has offered to them.
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#jointfamily#jointfamilysetup
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